Would you call me selfish?
No, not to your face.
CLUELESS (1995) dir. Amy Heckerling
23 | OH
I’m sorry that you can’t go uptown without seeing my face on the E train but you know what reminds me of you? Lime La Croix and that fucking bar. I hope you think every white BMW you see is mine because I hear you in every Jack Johnson song I listen to. And I hope the next girl you date drinks gin and tonics and takes all your blankets and shuts off the WiFi while you’re playing videogames. And I hope you don’t miss me all the time, but at random times, like when you’re explaining to her how college football works. Because I don’t think about you constantly, but I think about you every time I do certain things, and I don’t think that’s temporary. But it’s not going to destroy me because even though the ending wasn’t happy, the memories were, and that somehow makes it okay.
“Someday someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. wait for it”
— Unknown
i can’t shake the feeling that i’ll always either be too much or not enough. too much to handle, but never enough to satisfy.
you can make mistakes. you can mess up, you can break up, you can lose friends. that makes us human. but we just have to keep going. we have to learn from those mistakes and we have to see where we went wrong so it doesn’t happen all that often again. you are growing and you are learning who you want to be at all moments, don’t rush it, don’t stress, just be conscious and aware. be here in the moment, because in a few days, weeks, years, you might just wish you were right back where you are today.
im sorry you had to build a barrier between yourself and the world in order to survive it.
